Ankit and the P&C team will be responding here live at 9:30 am PT / 12:30 pm ET. We invite you to start populating questions and to also share your POV with answers!
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Ankit, since you have mastered putting strangers on the spot, and since Sean's question nudged me to summon the confidence to ask -- Whom in your life do you want to thank that you rarely thank?
A version of this question was in your post and is also fresh in my mind after virtually partaking last night in a five-year anniversary celebration of an amazing community built over gratitude dinners.
It's the scariest thing in the world to me to look my parents in the eye and tell them all that they've done for me in my life—the foundation they created, the sacrifices they made, the things they had to swallow in the face of me making decisions they didn't agree with or understand.
My relationship with them is something that has become much more "adult" in the last 5 years, but I don't think we've ever really dug into the past together.
Thank you for inviting me to share, Bailey! I absolutely resonate with Ankit's answer above. He covered that perspective so elegantly so I will share a different one. My science teacher in eighth grade. While I could have stayed at my school through 12th grade, I was about to transition to a different school, just having made another transition two years before. My teacher said to me, "If you don't like it there, come back to us!" He taught me a ton about having a sense of humor, as well as meeting change with both courage and acknowledgement of where I came from.
Hello friends! We are just crossing the 1hr mark. Ankit said he'll do his best to answer some remaining questions, so be on the lookout for some final responses, but the Popcorn Hour official time is now "closed."
Thanks to everyone who showed up and brought such lovely questions to the table, and to Ankit for being who he is! Appreciate y'all.
Thank you all so, so much for showing up and asking such thoughtful questions! I tried to get to as much as I could and may return to reply to any follow ups.
If I miss anything you'd like to dig on—or if you just want to reach me directly, find me here!
Hi Ankit! I'm just here to say how inspired I am by you on a regular basis, and to thank you again for being the person who helped me see that it's possible to make "supporting and growing communities" one's life work.
Here's my question: What's something amazing you've learned about yourself in the last year?
Hi friend! I'm here to tell YOU how inspired I am by you on a regular basis. You always ask questions that push me to think beyond my comfort zone—where I find the best seeds for self discovery. And of course, you show up in this Q+A doing just that 🥰
Something amazing I've learned about myself. Hmm...
I don't know what amazing means here (i.e. amazing to who? On what basis?), but here are two things that I've learned about myself that surprised me or made me think in new ways:
#1: I can put someone else's priorities ahead of my own and find that things turn out better than if I had put my own priorities first (individually, relationally, spiritually, and, in some cases, societally). This has made me wonder about the timeframe on which I consider my priorities, what it means to be values driven or to play a long game
#2: When it comes to work and projects, I've grown more aware that my impact and influence is disproportionately high in just a few places, not everywhere. This has pushed me to think more critically about where I insert myself when it comes to any given mission or objective and to focus more on leverage than input.
What a tough question. Depending on the energy I feel from people, I mix up my questions as often as I mix up the name I use when I order at coffee shops. "What was the highlight of your week?" is coming up for me now.
Great question Katie! I like to throw a mix of some general "Where are you from?" and "Who is your role model?" but one of my favorites is asking someone to describe their perfect day: where, with who, what would you do, etc.
"What do you love?" It usually throws people off, and makes them a bit uncomfortable, but once we get going, it feels much more connective than my previous route, "What do you do?"
My first impulse when I meet someone new is to notice something about that person that lights me up, even in some small way. Cool earrings, a hat, toenail colors, pants, sound of their voice, whatever. I generally try to highlight this thing in a way that is as not-awkward as possible.
To be clear: This isn't a strategy or anything. It's just something I've done for most of the last decade, and I guess it's always opened up really beautiful interactions. I think it's because things like this make people feel very seen, which makes it easier to get real, honest responses when I ask anything that I ask after that.
And usually, my go-to question is some simple permutation of: "What's going on in your world?"
I usually start just by listening. I find most people have to let off steam before they get to real communication. Stems from my decade of coach/facilitator training haha!
"What's happening now? (with ____?)" is my follow-up. In my heart, I hold space for them to share their secrets. (Diane Arbus fan here!) They usually open right up, and feel better after.
Hi, I'm Sean from the suburbs of Chicago and I am so happy to be here to pick Ankit's brain! I'm interested in better understanding how to communicate common ground and understanding when discussing people in a social and political lens. Also just excited to learn more about the featured guest!
Since then he's also worked in community professionally. Here's what I know: At Airbnb, helping refugees find housing through the community, and now at Facebook where he helps people leading thriving FB Groups do that well and have support.
Thank you Bailey, I was introduced to the interview with Ankit from Katie and was hooked!! I'm excited to check out those other resources you mentioned as well. Thank you!
I'm tuning in from Mokulumne Hill, California, where my girlfriend's mom lives :). We came out here to celebrate her birthday with her this week! Thanks so much for being here y'all!
Hello! Tuning in from New York today. On my mind is a very nascent thought about how to gather people to support each other through courageous firsts, from the first day back after a break from the workforce to being the first in a family to step foot on a college campus--which may be virtual or live in the age of 2020.
Tuning in from Philly :) I'm ruminating on how to get people together in meaningful ways when I return to Brooklyn where so many of the activities we used to do are no longer safe.
You talked a lot about offline, in-person communities in your podcast episode. How do you think the Internet and social media can play a role in fostering human connections + meaningful interaction?
Great question. If it's not obvious, I'm very optimistic around the potential of the internet and social media in fostering greater, more meaningful connection.
There is, of course, a lot to be delved into around the dark side of the internet, the ways in which it can have an impact on making the web of our society more brittle, and inspire us to assume the worst of one another—and this is something I could speak to in another conversation, but I digress.
I think when you consider the internet on an individual basis (i.e. your specific experience of it), each of us has so much agency and power to deepen our relationships with the assistance of the internet.
One way that I think about this by framing social media as the best tool to *invite* meaningful interactions—instead of being the best tool to *have* meaningful interactions. That said, I think the way we choose to show up on social media, the way we present ourselves, the things we choose to say, share, comment on, have opinions about, etc. is everything.
The highest leverage decision you can make around what your experience of the internet is is answering the question: Who am I presenting? What does this presentation invite?
A common mistake I think a lot of people make is thinking about who they present on the internet as who they ARE, but you are far too multitudinous to have your whole self presented on the internet. That's a silly expectation.
A far more reasonable expectation is to present the version of yourself that welcomes the others. The others being people you don't even know you need to connect with but will reveal themselves once you've revealed *yourself*.
For advice: my girlfriend, the coffeeshop, nature, my sister, my closest friends, and whoever I'm talking to recently at the top of my text message inbox that I trust and feel comfortable enough sending an audio message to for advice.
For guidance and inspiration: I look to many, many sources, but I think what's more valuable to consider here is a framework:
I think about my areas of interest, passion and perspective on the world and find people who fit these various categories and pay attention to what they say, what they do, and what they create. When paying attention, I don't take anything too prescriptively, but I do reflect on what I would do if I were that person in whatever situation they find themselves in. This helps me develop a stronger muscle of consideration for myself, so I can better tune into the person I am choosing to be in any given decision moment I find myself in (big or small).
I think this helps me register guidance in a way that is personalized and meaningful to me.
As for who I specifically look to here, here's a copy and paste from my Notes.app with areas of interest and people that I look up to and like to learn from. Some of these people are friends. Some are just people I follow. It's not exhaustive (at all), ranked in any way whatsoever, and the taxonomy is probably not very good, but it works for me. Feel free to give all these people a google and follow them wherever they have an internet presence.
Kindness: Nipun Mehta. Birju Pandya. Chaz Howard.
Living: Leo Babauta. Tim Ferriss. Ramit Sethi. Alain de Botton. Krista Tippett. Casper ter Kuile.
Design (Art): Tina Roth Eisenberg. Dave Radparvar. Jim Coudal. Max Tempkin. Jessica Walsh.
Design (Tech): Josh Miller. Sahil Lavingia. Kevin Huynh. Mike Monteiro.
Curiosity and knowledge: Joe Cohen. Maria Popova. Jason Kottke. Amit Gupta. Zach Klein. Charlie Kubal. Kevin Rose. Dani Grant. Kai Brach.
Seeing and Storytelling: Jason Polan. Marc Johns. Musa Tariq. Craig Mod. The Oatmeal. Brandon Stanton. Casey Neistat. Aziz. John Mulaney. Hannibal Burress. Simone Stolzoff. Jerry Seinfeld. Chris Bukard.
Business: Jason Fried. Patrick McKenzie. Dan Shipper. Nathan Baschez.
Marketing: Noah Kagan. Seth Godin.
Community: Scott Heiferman. Fabian Pfortmueller. Bailey Richardson. Chris Arnade. Serena Bian.
Thinking: Dan Shipper. BJ Fogg. Richard Thaler. Dan Kahnemahn. Ammar Mian. Tim Urban.
My question for Ankit: Do you ever worry about the perils of becoming "internet famous"? If so, how do you personally navigate that? (For me it's a huge concern - a long but favorite post: https://tim.blog/2020/02/02/reasons-to-not-become-famous/)
I definitely think about it, but I also balance this concern with a concerted effort to not do or say anything I don't mean. I try really hard to only share things with the internet that I truly feel and mean in my heart.
A lot of the time, this comes at the cost of ~*~engagement~*~ and virality, but to me, that's a perfectly fine tradeoff if it means that the people I connect with on the internet are people that are truly invested in a connection. Invariably, what happens as a result is that the people that connect with me on the internet are generally bringing really positive intentions with them.
My tune on this might change if I become someone with 10s or 100s of thousands of followers on any platform, but I don't know if that will happen.
This is something I could write a whole 'nother essay about, honestly, so feel free to ask follow ups!
How do you think the way you deliver your message would change if your audience ballooned to include thousands of more people? Would you change your delivery?
Honestly, the biggest thing that would change might be the amount that I talk about myself (how meta is this?!), but even then, I feel deeply uncomfortable sharing something that I couldn't look you in the eye IRL and stand by, so I'd hope that even the way I go about promoting things that I do would probably still be pretty straightforward and self-aware.
A reminder I think is important for myself: anybody behind an internet account is a person with a full life and a range of considerations, emotions, and experiences behind anything they share in the world. That includes me. It can often be easy to forget this truth when perceiving others, and I understand that. That said, how can I do everything in my expressive power to be as real of a person as I can?
Ooo that's a juicy questions! Love it. I'll let Ankit answer but I'm bursting to share a term I just found out about: "parasocial relationships" - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasocial_relationships "Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence." It seems so many internet spaces support / encourage these strange dynamics!
I'm "tuning in" from Gainesville FL but we are nomads. Community Work on my mind: How can we create more delightful ways for people to connect right now, when half the world is covering their faces and scared to leave their homes?
When I first started Tea With Strangers, it was a personal project (it's still online here! https://ankitshah811.github.io/tea). I asked my friends to tell their friends who lived in SF about it. It pretty quickly spread amongst a lot of my friends of friends, and within 6 months, I had about 1500 people signed up on the website and had say with about 600-700 people in groups of 6 at a time.
I picked cafes and parks to host all the conversations, which is still the case today (well, asides from COVID). It was definitely awkward at first, but I don't think it was tough or disheartening in any way. I didn't come into the project with very many expectations, so anything that happened was amazing as far as I was concerned. (This was 7 years ago. Honestly, one of my greatest wishes is to hold onto this sort of bright-eyed-ness as I continue to grow as a community building)
I imagine you must have so many types of people in your life—from new, brief acquaintances you've met through Tea with Strangers to closer, more intimate relationships you've developed through Silent Hike Society, your weekly neighborhood gatherings, etc. How do you think about the different roles these relationships play in your life?
Great question Sean. This is something I have really ebbed and flowed with over the last decade. I think I'm generally optimistic about what sharing thoughts with the world can introduce as far as serendipity goes. I never know exactly what will happen, but I truly believe that if what you share comes from the heart, only good things can happen—and the things that might seem bad are actually opportunities to dig into yourself.
In other words: at worst, you reflect and learn something about yourself. At best, you've put the tentacles of your mind and heart into the world—something anybody can jump in and connect with. Almost always, what happens is not something I could have expected.
Question: when you bring together strangers in a forum like Tea with Strangers, do you have intention around how you navigate charged political topics? In a climate where echo chambers are just as common as fever pitched ideological arguments, I'd be curious 1) whether that seems to be present in these conversations and 2) how you think about that when bringing a group of perfect strangers together.
Briene, thanks for asking such an important question. I honestly waited til the end of the Q+A to answer this so I could give it proper, dedicated thought.
My intention with Tea With Strangers is to create spaces that center around what we share over what we differ on. I think the nature of this invitation comes across pretty clearly throughout the journey of someone discovering TWS, signing up, receiving the automated emails, and the personalized pre-tea time emails that they receive from their host.
That said, the container of the conversation when people arrive at a cafe or park to meet with complete strangers is shaped significantly before anybody even arrives. Everyone responds differently to this container, of course, but the nature of the container is important because it provides a tonal anchor in the face of cynicism, assumptive behavior or any other byproduct of in-group polarization.
That anchor, to be super explicit, is the positively rooted assumption that everyone is doing the best with the information they have in the moment that they are in.
Naturally, when a conversation starts with that, it's unlikely that "fever pitched ideological arguments" surface all that often, but it still happens!
When it does, it usually grows out of someone picking at a thread that's tangential to something else that's being discussed. Some examples: any discussion that ventures into the realm of cancel culture, the impact of transplants on gentrification, differences in behavior or attitudes towards women or LGBTQIA+ people, etc.. Each and every one of these can spur a heated argument but starts with an often innocuous comment that's picked at, taken out of context, and misinterpreted.
As a host of these conversations, when I notice these moments unfolding, it's my job to register it and support the actual purpose of the conversation—to build understanding. It's silly to try to stifle it and say, "Oh well we don't have those conversations at Tea With Strangers, so let's redirect." That would leave an unresolved thread in the conversation and an obvious source of tension.
Instead, I try questions and reflections.
Examples:
* To the person that said something that may have been misinterpreted: "I'm not sure I fully understood what you meant when you said X, can you say more?"
* To a person that is getting heated and driving the conversation in a divisive direction: "I definitely have strong thoughts about this too, but I don't think I'm super informed here. I'd love to better understand how you came to thinking what you think."
* To everybody else at the table sitting quietly: "Clearly, this is something that everybody has thoughts on. I'd love to hear what [person who has been quiet for a while] thinks."
Of course, there's a lot of nuance and grace to be applied in the delivery here, which I'd approach differently on a case by case basis, but I think the core theme that I rely on is that people have reasons for feeling the way they do, for saying what they say, for approaching others the way they do. Instead of rejecting it, how can we defuse and create space to dig deeper, to learn about one another, and come out with a greater ability to truly see each other.
Thank you for your thoughtful response, Ankit! I think what you’ve said about creating the “container” is extremely significant. I also respect the grace to allow tense conversations to unfold with the assumption that everyone is doing their best. We could all certainly use more opportunities to really see each other, both for our similarities and differences. Thank you for creating these spaces! I’m inspired.
Ankit, since you have mastered putting strangers on the spot, and since Sean's question nudged me to summon the confidence to ask -- Whom in your life do you want to thank that you rarely thank?
A version of this question was in your post and is also fresh in my mind after virtually partaking last night in a five-year anniversary celebration of an amazing community built over gratitude dinners.
My parents. Easy.
It's the scariest thing in the world to me to look my parents in the eye and tell them all that they've done for me in my life—the foundation they created, the sacrifices they made, the things they had to swallow in the face of me making decisions they didn't agree with or understand.
My relationship with them is something that has become much more "adult" in the last 5 years, but I don't think we've ever really dug into the past together.
What a beautiful question! I love this! Would also love to hear your answer Hua...!
Thank you for inviting me to share, Bailey! I absolutely resonate with Ankit's answer above. He covered that perspective so elegantly so I will share a different one. My science teacher in eighth grade. While I could have stayed at my school through 12th grade, I was about to transition to a different school, just having made another transition two years before. My teacher said to me, "If you don't like it there, come back to us!" He taught me a ton about having a sense of humor, as well as meeting change with both courage and acknowledgement of where I came from.
Hello friends! We are just crossing the 1hr mark. Ankit said he'll do his best to answer some remaining questions, so be on the lookout for some final responses, but the Popcorn Hour official time is now "closed."
Thanks to everyone who showed up and brought such lovely questions to the table, and to Ankit for being who he is! Appreciate y'all.
Thank you all so, so much for showing up and asking such thoughtful questions! I tried to get to as much as I could and may return to reply to any follow ups.
If I miss anything you'd like to dig on—or if you just want to reach me directly, find me here!
* website (and email list sign up): https://ankit.fyi/
* twitter.com/ankitshah
* instagram.com/ankit.fyi
* ankit (at) teawithstrangers.com
Thank you so much Ankit, Bailey, & People & Co team!
Thank you, everybody!
Hi Ankit! I'm just here to say how inspired I am by you on a regular basis, and to thank you again for being the person who helped me see that it's possible to make "supporting and growing communities" one's life work.
Here's my question: What's something amazing you've learned about yourself in the last year?
Hi friend! I'm here to tell YOU how inspired I am by you on a regular basis. You always ask questions that push me to think beyond my comfort zone—where I find the best seeds for self discovery. And of course, you show up in this Q+A doing just that 🥰
Something amazing I've learned about myself. Hmm...
I don't know what amazing means here (i.e. amazing to who? On what basis?), but here are two things that I've learned about myself that surprised me or made me think in new ways:
#1: I can put someone else's priorities ahead of my own and find that things turn out better than if I had put my own priorities first (individually, relationally, spiritually, and, in some cases, societally). This has made me wonder about the timeframe on which I consider my priorities, what it means to be values driven or to play a long game
#2: When it comes to work and projects, I've grown more aware that my impact and influence is disproportionately high in just a few places, not everywhere. This has pushed me to think more critically about where I insert myself when it comes to any given mission or objective and to focus more on leverage than input.
❓QUESTION OF THE DAY
As Ankit answers your specific questions, we have a question for you all.
What is your “go-to question” when getting to know strangers?
What a tough question. Depending on the energy I feel from people, I mix up my questions as often as I mix up the name I use when I order at coffee shops. "What was the highlight of your week?" is coming up for me now.
Great question Katie! I like to throw a mix of some general "Where are you from?" and "Who is your role model?" but one of my favorites is asking someone to describe their perfect day: where, with who, what would you do, etc.
"What do you love?" It usually throws people off, and makes them a bit uncomfortable, but once we get going, it feels much more connective than my previous route, "What do you do?"
Yasssss
My first impulse when I meet someone new is to notice something about that person that lights me up, even in some small way. Cool earrings, a hat, toenail colors, pants, sound of their voice, whatever. I generally try to highlight this thing in a way that is as not-awkward as possible.
To be clear: This isn't a strategy or anything. It's just something I've done for most of the last decade, and I guess it's always opened up really beautiful interactions. I think it's because things like this make people feel very seen, which makes it easier to get real, honest responses when I ask anything that I ask after that.
And usually, my go-to question is some simple permutation of: "What's going on in your world?"
Other framings:
* What's been on your mind?
* What should I know about you?
* How have you been feeling lately?
"What are you a superfan of and why?" [for me: Mola Mola fish, Maya Moore [women's basketball player turned civil rights activist, pesto sauce]
They are huge fish!
SO glad you know them. The largest (and derpiest!) boney fish in the ocean!
I usually start just by listening. I find most people have to let off steam before they get to real communication. Stems from my decade of coach/facilitator training haha!
"What's happening now? (with ____?)" is my follow-up. In my heart, I hold space for them to share their secrets. (Diane Arbus fan here!) They usually open right up, and feel better after.
Ooh Ki, please share your favorite photo from Diane Arbus
+1!
I like to ask "What's an ongoing conversation or dialogue that you've been having with yourself recently?"
Hi, I'm Sean from the suburbs of Chicago and I am so happy to be here to pick Ankit's brain! I'm interested in better understanding how to communicate common ground and understanding when discussing people in a social and political lens. Also just excited to learn more about the featured guest!
Hey Sean! I can share more about Ankit :) I'll let him answer the other questions though.
Ankit is first and foremost, a listener. He is deeply curious about others, which comes through in every interaction, and was his fuel for starting Tea With Strangers. (You can read more about Tea With Strangers here: https://nyti.ms/2Lo9QvL & https://medium.com/tea-with-strangers/the-tea-with-strangers-story-43ff03dbbd44).
Since then he's also worked in community professionally. Here's what I know: At Airbnb, helping refugees find housing through the community, and now at Facebook where he helps people leading thriving FB Groups do that well and have support.
If you haven't yet listened to the interview with Ankit, you'll love it! Tune in here: https://gettogether.fm/episodes/tea-with-strangers
Thank you Bailey, I was introduced to the interview with Ankit from Katie and was hooked!! I'm excited to check out those other resources you mentioned as well. Thank you!
👋🏻Welcome, we are happy you are here!
To get started in the chat: Tell us where you are tuning in from today and share the community work that is on your mind.
I'm tuning in from Mokulumne Hill, California, where my girlfriend's mom lives :). We came out here to celebrate her birthday with her this week! Thanks so much for being here y'all!
I'm in Brooklyn in my kitchen!
Hello! Tuning in from New York today. On my mind is a very nascent thought about how to gather people to support each other through courageous firsts, from the first day back after a break from the workforce to being the first in a family to step foot on a college campus--which may be virtual or live in the age of 2020.
Tuning in from Philly :) I'm ruminating on how to get people together in meaningful ways when I return to Brooklyn where so many of the activities we used to do are no longer safe.
Me too!
Ooooo. Maybe we could brainstorm or even co-create!
Briene!!! My love!! Hello
Hi !!! <3
ATL!
You talked a lot about offline, in-person communities in your podcast episode. How do you think the Internet and social media can play a role in fostering human connections + meaningful interaction?
Great question. If it's not obvious, I'm very optimistic around the potential of the internet and social media in fostering greater, more meaningful connection.
There is, of course, a lot to be delved into around the dark side of the internet, the ways in which it can have an impact on making the web of our society more brittle, and inspire us to assume the worst of one another—and this is something I could speak to in another conversation, but I digress.
I think when you consider the internet on an individual basis (i.e. your specific experience of it), each of us has so much agency and power to deepen our relationships with the assistance of the internet.
One way that I think about this by framing social media as the best tool to *invite* meaningful interactions—instead of being the best tool to *have* meaningful interactions. That said, I think the way we choose to show up on social media, the way we present ourselves, the things we choose to say, share, comment on, have opinions about, etc. is everything.
The highest leverage decision you can make around what your experience of the internet is is answering the question: Who am I presenting? What does this presentation invite?
A common mistake I think a lot of people make is thinking about who they present on the internet as who they ARE, but you are far too multitudinous to have your whole self presented on the internet. That's a silly expectation.
A far more reasonable expectation is to present the version of yourself that welcomes the others. The others being people you don't even know you need to connect with but will reveal themselves once you've revealed *yourself*.
Interested in this question!
I want to know! What was one of the best questions you ever asked a stranger / heard a stranger was asked at a Tea with Strangers?
Who do you look to for guidance and advice both in your inner circle and in the wider world?
For advice: my girlfriend, the coffeeshop, nature, my sister, my closest friends, and whoever I'm talking to recently at the top of my text message inbox that I trust and feel comfortable enough sending an audio message to for advice.
For guidance and inspiration: I look to many, many sources, but I think what's more valuable to consider here is a framework:
I think about my areas of interest, passion and perspective on the world and find people who fit these various categories and pay attention to what they say, what they do, and what they create. When paying attention, I don't take anything too prescriptively, but I do reflect on what I would do if I were that person in whatever situation they find themselves in. This helps me develop a stronger muscle of consideration for myself, so I can better tune into the person I am choosing to be in any given decision moment I find myself in (big or small).
I think this helps me register guidance in a way that is personalized and meaningful to me.
As for who I specifically look to here, here's a copy and paste from my Notes.app with areas of interest and people that I look up to and like to learn from. Some of these people are friends. Some are just people I follow. It's not exhaustive (at all), ranked in any way whatsoever, and the taxonomy is probably not very good, but it works for me. Feel free to give all these people a google and follow them wherever they have an internet presence.
Kindness: Nipun Mehta. Birju Pandya. Chaz Howard.
Living: Leo Babauta. Tim Ferriss. Ramit Sethi. Alain de Botton. Krista Tippett. Casper ter Kuile.
Impact: Zubin Sharma. Vallabh Pandey. Jacqueline Novogratz. Craig Shapiro. Cameron Sinclair.
Design (Art): Tina Roth Eisenberg. Dave Radparvar. Jim Coudal. Max Tempkin. Jessica Walsh.
Design (Tech): Josh Miller. Sahil Lavingia. Kevin Huynh. Mike Monteiro.
Curiosity and knowledge: Joe Cohen. Maria Popova. Jason Kottke. Amit Gupta. Zach Klein. Charlie Kubal. Kevin Rose. Dani Grant. Kai Brach.
Seeing and Storytelling: Jason Polan. Marc Johns. Musa Tariq. Craig Mod. The Oatmeal. Brandon Stanton. Casey Neistat. Aziz. John Mulaney. Hannibal Burress. Simone Stolzoff. Jerry Seinfeld. Chris Bukard.
Business: Jason Fried. Patrick McKenzie. Dan Shipper. Nathan Baschez.
Marketing: Noah Kagan. Seth Godin.
Community: Scott Heiferman. Fabian Pfortmueller. Bailey Richardson. Chris Arnade. Serena Bian.
Thinking: Dan Shipper. BJ Fogg. Richard Thaler. Dan Kahnemahn. Ammar Mian. Tim Urban.
Check out one podcast guest giving another podcast guest a shout-out!
My question for Ankit: Do you ever worry about the perils of becoming "internet famous"? If so, how do you personally navigate that? (For me it's a huge concern - a long but favorite post: https://tim.blog/2020/02/02/reasons-to-not-become-famous/)
I definitely think about it, but I also balance this concern with a concerted effort to not do or say anything I don't mean. I try really hard to only share things with the internet that I truly feel and mean in my heart.
A lot of the time, this comes at the cost of ~*~engagement~*~ and virality, but to me, that's a perfectly fine tradeoff if it means that the people I connect with on the internet are people that are truly invested in a connection. Invariably, what happens as a result is that the people that connect with me on the internet are generally bringing really positive intentions with them.
My tune on this might change if I become someone with 10s or 100s of thousands of followers on any platform, but I don't know if that will happen.
This is something I could write a whole 'nother essay about, honestly, so feel free to ask follow ups!
Sounds like we have another essay to suspensefully await.
How do you think the way you deliver your message would change if your audience ballooned to include thousands of more people? Would you change your delivery?
I really hope not.
Honestly, the biggest thing that would change might be the amount that I talk about myself (how meta is this?!), but even then, I feel deeply uncomfortable sharing something that I couldn't look you in the eye IRL and stand by, so I'd hope that even the way I go about promoting things that I do would probably still be pretty straightforward and self-aware.
A reminder I think is important for myself: anybody behind an internet account is a person with a full life and a range of considerations, emotions, and experiences behind anything they share in the world. That includes me. It can often be easy to forget this truth when perceiving others, and I understand that. That said, how can I do everything in my expressive power to be as real of a person as I can?
Funny enough, I just asked Derek Sivers the same question since his email arrived after I joined this chat! :D
Ooo that's a juicy questions! Love it. I'll let Ankit answer but I'm bursting to share a term I just found out about: "parasocial relationships" - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parasocial_relationships "Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence." It seems so many internet spaces support / encourage these strange dynamics!
I'm "tuning in" from Gainesville FL but we are nomads. Community Work on my mind: How can we create more delightful ways for people to connect right now, when half the world is covering their faces and scared to leave their homes?
Hi! Is this a video, or an audio feed?
It'll be a written Q&A — Ankit will be answering questions live for the next hour :)
Okay thanks! I thought "tuning in" meant to something with sound. ;)
What was your motivation to write your essay "Being Alone"? I imagine it must have taken a lot of time to write, so what made it worth it for you?
When you first started this initiative.. how many did actually turn up?
What type of location did you choose?
Was it tough and dis hearting at first?
When I first started Tea With Strangers, it was a personal project (it's still online here! https://ankitshah811.github.io/tea). I asked my friends to tell their friends who lived in SF about it. It pretty quickly spread amongst a lot of my friends of friends, and within 6 months, I had about 1500 people signed up on the website and had say with about 600-700 people in groups of 6 at a time.
I picked cafes and parks to host all the conversations, which is still the case today (well, asides from COVID). It was definitely awkward at first, but I don't think it was tough or disheartening in any way. I didn't come into the project with very many expectations, so anything that happened was amazing as far as I was concerned. (This was 7 years ago. Honestly, one of my greatest wishes is to hold onto this sort of bright-eyed-ness as I continue to grow as a community building)
I imagine you must have so many types of people in your life—from new, brief acquaintances you've met through Tea with Strangers to closer, more intimate relationships you've developed through Silent Hike Society, your weekly neighborhood gatherings, etc. How do you think about the different roles these relationships play in your life?
How do you summon the confidence that is sharing your thoughts with the world?
Great question Sean. This is something I have really ebbed and flowed with over the last decade. I think I'm generally optimistic about what sharing thoughts with the world can introduce as far as serendipity goes. I never know exactly what will happen, but I truly believe that if what you share comes from the heart, only good things can happen—and the things that might seem bad are actually opportunities to dig into yourself.
In other words: at worst, you reflect and learn something about yourself. At best, you've put the tentacles of your mind and heart into the world—something anybody can jump in and connect with. Almost always, what happens is not something I could have expected.
Question: when you bring together strangers in a forum like Tea with Strangers, do you have intention around how you navigate charged political topics? In a climate where echo chambers are just as common as fever pitched ideological arguments, I'd be curious 1) whether that seems to be present in these conversations and 2) how you think about that when bringing a group of perfect strangers together.
Briene, thanks for asking such an important question. I honestly waited til the end of the Q+A to answer this so I could give it proper, dedicated thought.
My intention with Tea With Strangers is to create spaces that center around what we share over what we differ on. I think the nature of this invitation comes across pretty clearly throughout the journey of someone discovering TWS, signing up, receiving the automated emails, and the personalized pre-tea time emails that they receive from their host.
That said, the container of the conversation when people arrive at a cafe or park to meet with complete strangers is shaped significantly before anybody even arrives. Everyone responds differently to this container, of course, but the nature of the container is important because it provides a tonal anchor in the face of cynicism, assumptive behavior or any other byproduct of in-group polarization.
That anchor, to be super explicit, is the positively rooted assumption that everyone is doing the best with the information they have in the moment that they are in.
Naturally, when a conversation starts with that, it's unlikely that "fever pitched ideological arguments" surface all that often, but it still happens!
When it does, it usually grows out of someone picking at a thread that's tangential to something else that's being discussed. Some examples: any discussion that ventures into the realm of cancel culture, the impact of transplants on gentrification, differences in behavior or attitudes towards women or LGBTQIA+ people, etc.. Each and every one of these can spur a heated argument but starts with an often innocuous comment that's picked at, taken out of context, and misinterpreted.
As a host of these conversations, when I notice these moments unfolding, it's my job to register it and support the actual purpose of the conversation—to build understanding. It's silly to try to stifle it and say, "Oh well we don't have those conversations at Tea With Strangers, so let's redirect." That would leave an unresolved thread in the conversation and an obvious source of tension.
Instead, I try questions and reflections.
Examples:
* To the person that said something that may have been misinterpreted: "I'm not sure I fully understood what you meant when you said X, can you say more?"
* To a person that is getting heated and driving the conversation in a divisive direction: "I definitely have strong thoughts about this too, but I don't think I'm super informed here. I'd love to better understand how you came to thinking what you think."
* To everybody else at the table sitting quietly: "Clearly, this is something that everybody has thoughts on. I'd love to hear what [person who has been quiet for a while] thinks."
Of course, there's a lot of nuance and grace to be applied in the delivery here, which I'd approach differently on a case by case basis, but I think the core theme that I rely on is that people have reasons for feeling the way they do, for saying what they say, for approaching others the way they do. Instead of rejecting it, how can we defuse and create space to dig deeper, to learn about one another, and come out with a greater ability to truly see each other.
Thanks for the specific examples of what to say that we can take and apply.
Thank you for your thoughtful response, Ankit! I think what you’ve said about creating the “container” is extremely significant. I also respect the grace to allow tense conversations to unfold with the assumption that everyone is doing their best. We could all certainly use more opportunities to really see each other, both for our similarities and differences. Thank you for creating these spaces! I’m inspired.